Anchor or millstone
Anchor or millstone: Are you providing a safe haven, or are you slowly drowning your partner?
I deal with many people on a regular basis. You get to know some of them more than others. Soon, you start to find out about their lives, and most importantly, their relationships. Whether you who are reading this today are married, in a relationship, or have a friendship with any person, you should evaluate the relationship closely. How do you react towards the other person, and how does that person react to you?
Any relationship should be based on trust. When you trust someone, you give them the freedom to be themselves and allow them to safely explore within the bounds of the relationship. What happens where we do not trust the other person? Naturally, we want to prevent them from exploring, or just to be themselves, and will do whatever we can to control them. Unfortunately, many people are caught up in the latter form of relationship.
This week, we are focusing on two opposite aspects. Are you, your spouse, or the other party in the relationship, a safe haven – a safe harbour where the person is anchored and can feel secure? The rope of an anchor is intentionally long enough to allow the anchor to reach the bottom while the ship is in a safe haven. There is enough slack to allow the ship to ride the eb and slow of the tide – the ups and downs of life. This is the positive one.
However, ask yourself this: Are you, your spouse, or the other party in the relationship really a millstone tied to a rope around the ankle of the other one, slowly drowning them? The rope of a millstone is intentionally only long enough to reach the bottom and drown whoever is tied to the other side in the process.
The word “anchor” appears only once in the King James Version Bible. “Millstone” appears nine times. Here is a good example:
1Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! 2It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. – Luke 17:2
A millstone is used to mill grain. It is heavy and has a hole in the middle. What Luke records here are Jesus’ words that while there will be “offences” – translated as stumbling blocks in other translations – will be present, the situation should not be manipulated, and it would be better for a person to be permanently removed from society that to allow them to hurt anyone. The point I want to make is that the Bible already mentions a method of getting rid of someone. The millstone is not around the neck of the person, but on one end of the rope.
While neither words refer to relationships in the sense that we are referring to here, the analogy is very accurate. What does the Bible teach about relationships?
1I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 2With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; 3Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:1-3
Paul mentions lowliness (allowing the other person to have some say in things too); meekness (one of the fruits of the Spirit – Galatians 5:22-23); longsuffering (patience – also mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23); forbearing one another in love (patient and forgiving one another our many mistakes and shortcomings); and endeavouring – to try to be one in the Spirit and maintain peace.
A relationship where both parties display the fruit of the Spirit (See our articles on the fruit of the Spirit.) is one where the anchor line has some slack and allows the other party the freedom to be themselves within the confines of the relationships. Whether the relationship is a marriage, engagement, a platonic relationship, or a friendship, does not matter. In each, giving the other party space is important. We are required to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25); bear one another and forgive (Colossians 3:12-14); and love one another (John 13:34). Proverbs 17:17 and Proverbs 27:17 addresses relationships between friends.
What about the millstone example? A relationship where one, or both, party constantly tries to enforce their will on the other is one where there is a rope tied to the neck on one side, and a millstone on the other. These are the abusive relationships we see so often. It does not have to be a violent one – often the most abusive relationships are the ones where there is no evidence of physical violence. Blows heal. Emotional hurt stays much longer. When a partner does not trust the other one, they will do their best to reel them in, and allow no slack in the line. Eventually the partner succumbs to the constant threats and biggering, and the relationship fails. These are examples where the fruit of the Spirit does not operate.
To recap, the rope of an anchor is intentionally long enough to allow the anchor to reach the bottom while the ship is in a safe haven. There is enough slack to allow the ship to be safe despite the eb and slow of the tide. The rope of a millstone is intentionally only long enough to reach the bottom but drown whoever is tied to the other side in the process. Which rope are you tied to? If your spouse is an anchor, thank God for them. If you find today that you are tied to a millstone, you desperately need to get help. If you are married, go and see a counsellor and ask for advice. Of course, it is best if both partners go together. Unfortunately, the one who is controlling the millstone will probably not want to go for counselling.
If you are not married, or if it is just a casual friendship, evaluate the situation. Do you feel tied down, where only the other party has a say in your own life? Then you run the risk of being destroyed. If you are going to be drowned because of the actions of a possessive control freak who is only in it for their own benefit, get out.
Conclusion
God created us male and female so that we can complement each other and enjoy each other’s company in marriage (Genesis 2:18 and Genesis 2:24). Because of the unique differences between men and women, it requires constant evaluation on both sides. Am I a safe harbour for my spouse, and do I leave enough slack between me as the anchor and them as the ship? If not, then I need to re-evaluate the intentions of my relationship as it may be built on my selfish desires only, leaving the other party strangled and drowning. Even between friends, God values true friendship (Psalm 133:1) that is beneficial to both parties, and the same rule will apply.
Take some time this week to evaluate your marriage, relationship, friendship, whatever it may be. Allow the other party space to move and be themselves. Only if you give them space, will the relationship work, and you will benefit as well.