Mentoring men to be men
To succeed as believers, men need mentors, and be mentors, more than ever before
We live in a society where the role of the man, especially in the context of Christian men, is being challenged every day. It starts with the family. Break down the family with the man as the head, and you break down the very core of society. Equal partnerships as husband and wife? I think not. It is not taught in the Word of God. Instead, the woman was created to be a help (Genesis 2:20). Instead of being equal partners in everything, there are areas where the wife is better than the man, and the other way round. This is God’s design for mankind. Instead of being equal so that they can challenge one another, they are not equal, and rather complement one another, like every two pieces of a puzzle that fit together to form a unit.
I am sure that in every generation, parents would have looked at how their children are turning out and would have said that their children do not have the fear of the Lord that they themselves had. Right now, there appears to be a generation of men that are floundering – they do not really know the road and they have no one to guide them. To prevent this generation of men from becoming totally lost and drag down their families with them, it is critically important that they be guided and mentored by men older and wiser than themselves. I hear Christian men who speak disrespectfully about and to God, and I question the relationship they have with Him as Father:
7The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. – Proverbs 1:7
If they really knew Him and feared Him, they would be knowledgeable and careful how they address Him. Quite possibly this is the way they spoke to their fathers if they were present.
Mentoring others
The Bible has many examples of men who were in leadership positions, but still needed guidance from others, usually more senior than they were. Let us have a look at a few:
Jethro and Moses
Moses may have been a leader, spoke to God, and God to him, but he still made mistakes and needed guidance. His father-in-law Jethro came all the way from Midian to meet with Moses in the wilderness (Exodus 18:5 – read the entire chapter for reference). He was very glad to see what God had done for Israel (Exodus 18:9 – see last week’s lesson on God’s goodness for us) and brought offerings. However, he saw a huge problem in Moses’ management style and needed to address this.
Moses’ problem was human resource management, or the lack thereof. He wanted to do everything himself. Maybe this reminds you of your boss and your workplace. Jethro stepped in and offered counsel (Exodus 18:19) and then explained to Moses how he should appoint people to help him. From the point of view of a father (or father-in-law – it makes no difference) Jethro was experienced in these matters, and he knew that his guidance was correct (Exodus 18:23). Once Jethro had assisted his son-in-law and saw that the problem had been resolved, he left Moses alone to take care of matters (Exodus 18:27). This is a great example of mentoring someone. You see the problem, offer guidance, stay with the person to assist until they understand what to do, and then pull back and let them continue.
Priscilla and Aquila
In Acts 18 we have the account of two believers who were mentored by Paul but in turn were mentors to others. They accompanied Paul to Syria (Acts 18:18). While the context does not directly state this, one can assume Priscilla and Aquila learnt a great deal from Paul, and he had a purpose for them, else there would be no reason to take them with him. After he had left them behind in Ephesus (Acts 18:21), they met a man by the name of Apollos who was speaking in the synagogue. They realised that while he was passionate about the gospel, he had only heard of the baptism of John, and they took it upon themselves to mentor him, teach him, and guide him properly in the Word (Acts 18:25-26). He was then able to continue on his own (Acts 18:27-28) and was very successful.
Paul highly valued Priscilla and Aquila. Look how he refers to them in the closing section of his letter to the Romans:
3Greet Priscilla and Aquila my helpers in Christ Jesus: 4Who have for my life laid down their own necks: unto whom not only I give thanks, but also all the churches of the Gentiles. – Romans 16:3-4
He had great influence on their lives and in turn they assisted his ministry. He makes a similar reference to them at the end of the first letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 16:19) as well as mentioning them in his letter to Timothy (2 Timothy 4:19). Paul ensured he connected all of those he was mentoring. There is something those of us in leadership positions can learn from Paul as a mentor and leader – if you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people. A good team is often the driving force behind your success.
Paul, Timothy, and Titus
Paul not only proclaimed the gospel wherever he went but also ensured that the work would continue after he had passed on. When you read his letters to Timothy and Titus, you see the passion he has for them and to see that their own ministries could develop so that they could follow in his footsteps. Paul describes Timothy and Titus as his sons (1 Timothy 1:2; 1 Timothy 1:18; 2 Timothy 1:2; 2 Timothy 2:1; and Titus 1:4), and immediately defines the status of the relationship. Later he also addresses Timothy’s relationship to others (1 Timothy 5:1-21). Both Timothy and Titus (Titus 1:5) already held leadership positions, but this did not mean that they did not need guidance. Read these letters and see a proper mentor in action, passing on sound doctrine and giving valuable guidance, while never making them feel inferior in any way. In fact, Paul refers to Timothy as “man of God” (1 Timothy 6:11) while giving him advice he would need later on. By Paul’s high standards, Timothy has made it. I would definitely not mind being called a “man of God” by a mentor.
At the same time, he teaches them to be mentors to the newer generation. See 2 Timothy 2:2. Let us use numbers here to make it easier to follow the process. What Paul (1) taught Timothy (2), he had to teach others (3), so that they in turn could teach more people (4). This is the sign of a true mentor – that they will not just teach others to be as they themselves are, but at the same time teach the next generation. This is why grandfathers are so important in families. While they teach their own sons, they also later teach their grandchildren. This is planning for the future!
This example of three generations together also finds its way in discipleship. I have often believed that a disciple who brings the gospel to someone else, can only really claim that he (1) has made a proper disciple, not just a convert (See Making disciples, not just converts) when this new disciple (2) can reach another person (3) and through his guidance, that person comes to the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Person One disciples Person Two who disciples Person Three. Put in another way, if I teach you some math principle and you understand it and you can then explain it to a third person who comes to understand it, only then I have been successful in my teaching. I may have taught you so that you understand your math, but you have now also acquired a teaching skill. Teaching people to teach others should be our focus in life.
Every day I deal with men who may seem to have their lives figured out, but as soon as you delve a little deeper, you realise that they are not really as sorted out as they appear. I am noticing an upcoming generation where some really try to be faithful to the Word of God and live respectful lives. Others though, have a chip on the shoulder and somehow believe that it is in order to address God in a disrespectful manner and command Him to serve their needs. Clearly they have not studied the Word and for the most part live self-centred lives. Paul addresses this to Timothy (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Some may be older than me; most are much younger, and it is the latter group that we should look after. All men need guidance. I do too. Even if I guide others younger than myself, I still learn from those who are older than me and have wisdom and experience that I can benefit from.
Why the focus on mentoring men? If you never had a male mentor, most likely your father, who did you learn from? We learn by example. An absent father leaves a vacuum in his successor, his son, and this vacuum can easily be filled with all that is wrong. Not having a father to mentor you is just about the worst thing that can happen to a young boy. Most of us who grew up either without a father, or an absent father figure, know this very well.
This story is not meant to provoke sympathy, but to focus on the importance of a father as a decent role model, and the effects of not having such a role model around. This affects men throughout their lives, and often makes male-female relationships difficult. You meet your future wife, and you need to have seen how your parents interacted with one another, so that you have the blueprint for a God-fearing marriage relationship.
Male-male relationships often suffer even more, with men not knowing how to form meaningful relationships with other men, because they never had an example. Yet the Bible beautifully shows how the relationship between men should be:
1Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! 2It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; 3As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore. – Psalm 133:1-3
- It is good and pleasant – to make this happen, there should be a connection;
- There is unity – men that think and act alike, with the same focus;
- The ointment speaks of an anointed blessing that covers the person (See God's goodness in your life);
- The dew speaks of life-giving water, driven by the Holy Spirit; and
- God commands (speaks) a blessing to those present. How awesome to be blessed!
How are things when you are with your friends? If it is not like the example above, the elements of God’s blessing are absent, and you need to move out fast, for your own sake.
I grew up with none of these things present. My circle of influence was filled with youthful immaturity, lies to create a good impression, peer pressure, deceit, alcohol abuse by my father, and there was definitely no blessing to be experienced. After I was saved and came to know that God as a loving father is not like the one I grew up with, I decided never to allow my children to endure that I had to. I made a commitment to be a father in body, soul, and spirit – I would set a physical example of what a father should do (body); the way he should act (soul); and the way he should live out his God-given purpose (spirit). I needed to be mentored, and while I have spent many years away from him, the very person who introduced me to God’s plan of salvation for my life has always been my spiritual father. It will never change.
Conclusion
Looking at men around me, to this day I see many men who are broken inside. Yet they put up a brave face because cowboys don’t cry, or because they want to be seen as being in charge. Many have never learnt to show their true feelings and have no one to turn to for guidance. Where they turn to is often the wrong destination. Our mission is to get them back from the wrong place they may find themselves right now, mentor and guide them, and allow them to take up the positions they were always meant to have but were never allowed to.